Why being “too nice” is making you miserable

“Don’t talk to me that way please.”

I’ll never forget it. I was checking out in an Atlanta grocery store. I was 22-years-old. And it felt like I was standing up for myself for the first time in my life.

I was raised to be polite. I was raised to be nice.

But I was straight up miserable.

I was in a relationship with a guy who cheated on me. And I responded by giving him permission to cheat on me more. (Yes, you read that correctly). I didn’t want to lose him so I tried to be cool about it. “You’re still in college!” “We’re long-distance!” “It’s totally fine!” And then I’d go cry in a pillow somewhere.

I was working in a group home at the time. My coworkers and supervisors were always telling me to stand up for myself. They told me I was “too nice.” I didn’t think that was even a thing! How can you be “too nice”? If you’re not being nice, then you’re acting selfish, right? I’d give the girls in the group home negative points when they broke the rules. They’d cuss me out. And then I’d go to the bathroom and cry.

I was crying a lot back then.

But hey - I was nice, right?!

How to know if you’re being too nice

It’s cool to be nice. It’s nice to do nice things. But if you’re sacrificing your own wants, needs, and desires to make someone else happy - you’re sliding into “too nice” territory.

I’m not talking about compromise, Friends. I’m talking about giving into another person’s needs while engaging in a full-on denial of what you need. And then you end up feeling really shitty about it. But because you’re so “nice” and you value others’ feelings above all else, you need to squash those nasty feelings.

Symptoms of being too nice include but are not limited to:

• Frustration and anger

• Resentment

• Eating/drinking/shopping all your feelings away

• Crying into your pillow

• Crying in the bathroom

Why are you so damn nice?

First off, you were probably raised to be nice. I was raised by really great parents who valued kindness and caring. I’m not sure where things went off the rails into Doormat Land, but it wasn’t their fault.

Secondly, and more importantly, being overly accommodating is often a symptom of low self-confidence. When you don’t value yourself, you’ll turn to others for their validation. (Read here about 4 habits of people with low self-confidence)

But this is a vicious cycle - When you look for validation from others, you reinforce the idea that your own wants, needs, and desires aren’t important. You step out of your authentic self. And it’s easy to get confused about who you are.

You trade others liking you for you liking you. You find yourself chasing after the approval of others. You’re terrified of the idea that someone won’t like you or they’ll have negative thoughts about you.

Because all of your value is dependent on their thoughts and feelings. If someone doesn’t like you, it just reinforces all those negative beliefs you have about yourself.

Being too nice hurts your relationships

Not to add insult to injury here, but when your confidence is low and you seek the validation of others, you’re more likely to attract asshole people into your life (see ex-boyfriend reference above). These are people who are more likely to take advantage of your niceness. Because we tend to attract people who match our level of mental well-being.

We’ve reviewed how Too Nice People are often miserable about it because their needs aren’t getting met. And this is where things get real tricky. Because you want to be nice. But you’re also kind of pissed off about it (If you struggle with resentment go read this)

So now you’re trying to white knuckle out some nice behavior to make others happen but you’re also secretly gritting your teeth and hating the person the whole time. And that’s going to sabotage your niceness efforts.

Plus you’re likely to keep score. You do really nice things! Why don’t others reciprocate? Why can’t people see what you need and give it to you? When is it finally your turn???

News flash, Friends: People can’t read minds. No one knows what you need unless you ask for it.

But asking for what you need means acknowledging that you’re worthy. Which is hard to do if you don’t believe that.

How to stop being so nice

So how do you decide that you’re worthy? How do you build your confidence? Here are some things to consider:

1. Stop looking for your worth outside of yourself. There is no job, relationship, or cute outfit that will make you believe you’re enough. Confidence comes from your thoughts. End of story.

2. Be aware of the thoughts leading to your people-pleasing. Do you believe taking care of yourself is selfish? Why? How is that not true? How is people-pleasing actually manipulating and hurting those around you?

3. Imagine yourself saying standing up for yourself. Let’s start with those imaginary conversations you have in the car, the shower, or in the mirror after the fact (you know you do it). How do you feel when you act those out? Now go do it.

4. Remember - You’re not responsible for others’ feelings. People’s feelings come from their thoughts, not your actions. Your actions are neutral. They will make of it what they will.

5. Take a risk. Start small. Tell the DirectTV guy at Costco “no thank you.” Walk down the Las Vegas strip and say “No thank you” to everyone who tries to give you a stripper flyer. Or be like me, and stand up for yourself when a cashier is rude to you.

I’ll be honest here: I still sometimes struggle with people-pleasing and being “too nice.” I consider my case to be pretty mild now, but it still comes up. I’ve come a long way since that time when I gave permission to my boyfriend to cheat on me. I know my worth. And it’s gotten me life that I have now.

But it started with that interaction in the Atlanta Publix and a cashier. I can’t remember what she said or how she said it. That’s not important. What matters is how in that moment I decided it wasn’t okay. And I politely asked her to stop.

The world didn’t end. I didn’t get struck with unpopularity lightning. She didn’t lose her shit.

She stopped. Because I asked her to. And it felt amazing.

You can feel amazing too.

You CAN make decisions based on what YOU WANT (not what you’re afraid other people will think about it), even if you’re plagued with self-doubt, don’t like saying “no,” or have no idea where to begin.

But it isn’t as easy as just saying some affirmations, writing in a journal, or going to therapy to unpack your childhood wounds.

The #1 reason you might not have the life and career you truly want is because you don’t have the core strategies in place.

Here’s how to do that:

1. Get clear on what you really want

2. Create a simple plan that’s easy to follow

3. Make decisions and implement them quickly and powerfully

4. Build momentum for healthy habits and stop wasting time on things that suck your energy

5. Learn how to manage self-doubt and fear so they don’t hold you back

I’m here to walk with you, every step of the way.

If this sounds unfamiliar, don’t worry! When you take it one step at a time (with me by your side), it’s totally doable.

Can you imagine how GOOD it will feel when you wake up each day, filled with purpose?

When you go to bed every night, feeling accomplished?

When you know that you are the person who sets a goal and hits it every time (not because they’re easy, but because you are unstoppable)?

This is what happens when you stop spending all your energy trying to make everyone else happy and worrying about what everyone thinks.

It’s time. Click the button below and let’s talk about the life that’s waiting for you.

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Hi! I’m Erica

Licensed psychotherapist. Corporate dropout. Wife to Brendan. Mom to twins + one. ADHDer. Slow runner. Coffee drinker. Swear words enthusiast.

I know exactly what it’s like to have a life that looks successful on the outside but feel chronically exhausted, frustrated, and completely lost on the inside.

I help underachieving high-achievers create lives and careers they love, without burning out.

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