How to Stop Caring What Other People Think

Validation is my drug of choice. 

Someone gives me a compliment and my brain lights up like you just shot me up with heroin. 

I love it so gosh darn much. But that validation would wear off pretty quickly and I’d be left to chase my next high. 

But if I DIDN’T get showered with effusive praise? HOO BOY. My brain would fill in the blanks with all kinds of nightmarish scenarios. They hate me, my work, my face, my outfit, my personality, and I’m probably about to get fired or exiled into the desert. 

And after being a therapist and coach to so many successful, high-achieving folks, I’ve learned that not only am I not alone — but that many high achievers care way too much about what other people think about them. 

So let’s break it down.

Why high-achievers care about external validation

Here’s my theory about successful, high-achieving adults: Once upon a time, a lot of them were well-behaved kids (you know, the ones nobody ever had to worry about) raised in achievement-focused families. 

And when all those families were like, “Way to go! Here’s a trophy/ribbon/gold star!” that little undeveloped brain was like, “Niiiiice! Not only do I get this plastic trophy, but now I know…”: 

• I’m worthy

• I’m good enough

• I’m loveable

And suddenly you need to be doing all the things and doing them well so you can finally feel okay about yourself. 

But that’s not all! As a fun bonus prize for a burgeoning high-achiever, you also learn:

• Everyone around you is always judging and evaluating you

• You need to watch everyone like a hawk to make sure you haven’t done anything wrong

• You need to be perfect to be acceptable

• You need others to tell you if you’re doing okay and how to be better

Oh, and don’t forget to lighten up and not care too much what others think about you.

It’s a real…mindf*ck.

Are you spending too much time worrying what others think?

Okay. Be real here for a second — How much of your time and energy is spent thinking about what other people might think about you, are thinking about you, or thought about you when you were 12-years-old and said that cringey thing onstage at the school assembly? 

‘Cause, if you were like me, it was close to 90%. Every decision and action was filtered through the lens of “but what will they think about meeeeeeee???” I couldn’t even buy groceries without worrying the cashier was judging my Cheez-Its and lack of produce. 

It was exhausting. 

So, take a second and ask yourself, “How much of my day do I spend thinking about what others think?” And answer honestly.

The hidden cost of people-pleasing on success

Now that you know how much you think about what others are thinking, we have to look at your resources.

After all, you only have so much mental energy and time. Do you REALLY want to spend it worrying what others will think? Or do you want to put that attention on your goals? 

Cause here’s the dealio. All that people-pleasing and mind-reading:

• Distracts you from your goals

• Makes you overthink, procrastinate, and hurts your productivity 

• Is stressful af. You and I both know you can’t please everyone. So WHO do you choose to please and who do you choose to piss off? Yikes

• Takes up precious mental space that could be spent on things like, you know, conquering the world or doing something fun, like binge-watching Netflix

Not to mention, there’s that awesome part where no matter how much you work, it’s totally impossible to meet all those expectations so you feel like you’re constantly behind and failing.

How to stop caring what others think about so stinkin’ much

Okie dokie. Now that you know:

• Why tf you spend so much time worrying about what others think

• How much time you spend thinking about what others think

• How that mindreading is working out for you

…Let’s get into how to do less of it. 

1. Pay attention to what you think

A hot new bombshell is about to enter the villa! We’re going to invite YOUR THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS to the chat. Plot twist, baby.

It's easy to get caught up in other people's opinions, but what about your own? What do YOU think? Do you even know? (You’d be amazed how many people are stumped by this question. And that’s cool. We all start somewhere.)

Step 1: Take a beat (and a breath): You’ve trained your brain to jump straight to “What will they think????!!!” And then you’re probably making a decision based on what will make these hypothetical peeps happy. So we want to just slow your roll for a second. Pause. And try to calm tf down.

Step 2: Ask, “What do I think here?”: The truth is, you might not know. Your inner voice may have been shushed for so long that it’s gone all hoarse and crusty-sounding. This is where you need to be all, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!” and lead your inner voice out onto the dance floor to bust a move. 

This whole thing of listening to yourself might feel weird at first. It could be anything from liking a sweater with a cat face on it to realizing you think pineapple on pizza is a crime against humanity. The point is to get in the habit of listening to your own voice. 

Step 3: Reduce outside noise: Maybe you crowdsource others for their opinion. Maybe you spend hours scrolling TikTok. Less exposure to others’ thoughts means more time to focus on you. 

Your thoughts and opinions are just as important as other people’s. It’s time to start giving them the air time they deserve.

2. Shift your focus from approval to actual achievement

The first time I ran a half-marathon, I crapped out around mile 10 and started walking. But every time I saw a photographer, I plastered a smile on my face and broke into a run. So all the pictures were of me running like Forrest Gump. Because…you know…optics. 

It’s so easy to want to impress others. The pressure to be seen as successful, “together,” and crushing it 24/7 is real. 

But here’s the kicker: chasing other people’s approval is like running a marathon on a treadmill. You’re working hard, but you’re not actually getting anywhere meaningful.

So, how do you switch gears from obsessing over what others think to focusing on authentic achievement — you know —  stuff that actually matters to you?

Define success for yourself. What does success really look like for you? Not what your parents, your boss, or social media think it should be. Maybe it’s finally going after that goal you’ve been thinking about for years, getting clear about what you want, or just feeling good at the end of the day. Write it down. Own it.

Stop measuring success by external validation. Here’s the hard part — quit using other people’s approval as your measuring stick. Instead, measure success by how much you’re learning, growing, and moving towards what you want. 

Did you take a step today that felt right, even if it wasn’t flashy or Instagram-worthy? That’s real progress. Celebrate it. The more you focus on your journey, the less you’ll care about getting a thumbs-up from the sidelines.

At the end of the day, authentic achievement feels way better than racking up approval points from people whose opinions don’t pay your bills.

3. Decide whose opinion actually matters

A couple years ago, I decided my clothes were boring. So I started wearing clothes that  made me happy — They were colorful, kind of weird, and included the occasional animal face. My husband…hates almost all of them. I value his opinion about almost everything, but when it came to fashion? The dude only wears navy, white and gray, so….yeah, no.

Putting yourself out in the world takes courage. And no matter what you do — people will have thoughts about your choices. But let’s be honest, not all opinions are created equal. 

Brene Brown carries a piece of paper with the names of people whose opinion matters to her. (‘Cause, you know, when some stranger is hating on you, it’s hard to remember you don’t actually give a sh*t what they think.)

But how do you know whose feedback matters? Here are some questions to help you decide:

• Does this person care about your growth and want you to succeed? 

• Does this person have experience or knowledge in the area they’re giving feedback on? 

• Has this person given you helpful feedback and advice in the past?

• Does this person’s feedback make you grow or does it make you feel small and inadequate?

• Does this person share your values? 

• Can this person be objective or is their judgment clouded by their own stuff?

And of course, there’s the golden rule: Never take criticism from someone you wouldn’t go to for advice. 

I wouldn’t take fashion advice from my cargo-shorts wearing husband. So when I’m wearing a sweater that has stripes AND puff sleeves AND features a cat face and he says, “Oooooh nooooo” I just have a good laugh.

4. Stop trying to not care what other people think 

Okay, okay. This is where I acknowledge that this whole post is titled “How to stop caring what other people think.” And now I’m saying stop trying to stop caring. 

Here’s why: 

• You’ll always care what others think at least a little bit. And that’s okay. Listen — you’re wired to care. Back in the days of yore we needed a community to survive. So keeping others happy = You get invited to the village potluck and don’t have to die alone in a cave somewhere.

• Focusing on not caring what people think is just as unproductive as focusing on what people think. Trying to eliminate a thought or feeling generally doesn’t work. It just puts MORE focus on that thing. It’s like, “Don’t think of pink elephants.” And now you’re thinking about pink elephants. 

• Some opinions matter. I talked about this ad nauseam above, but here’s the thing — sometimes you need feedback. You have blindspots. You’ll learn something new. Or you could use a fresh perspective. Instead of shutting everyone out, get picky and choosy about whose feedback you listen to.

So don’t make yourself wrong for caring. Just prioritize what you want to achieve and how you’re going to make that happen.

The real goal is to care more about what you think

At the end of the day, it’s not about ignoring every opinion out there or not caring about them — it’s about making your opinion the most important one. 

When you focus on what you think, what you want to achieve, and get choosy about whose feedback really matters, you stop being weighed down by what others think.

And guess what happens? You become more productive, you make decisions faster, and you feel way more confident about the direction you’re heading. You start going after what you actually want, without worrying about everyone else’s expectations. 

Suddenly you’re less burnt out and more fulfilled. Success actually starts to feel good. 

If you're ready to shift from trying to please others to living for yourself, you’re in the right place!

I’m here to help you let go of what everyone else thinks so you can focus on what matters — creating a life and career that make YOU happy. 

It all starts with a free call where we talk through your goals, what’s keeping you stuck, and how I can help. Click here to get started and apply for private coaching. 

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Hi! I’m Erica

Licensed psychotherapist. Corporate dropout. Wife to Brendan. Mom to twins + one. ADHDer. Slow runner. Coffee drinker. Swear words enthusiast.

I know exactly what it’s like to have a life that looks successful on the outside but feel chronically exhausted, frustrated, and completely lost on the inside.

I help underachieving high-achievers create lives and careers they love, without burning out.

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