3 Things You’re Getting Wrong About Self-Care (and it’s making you MORE stressed)
I have a confession to make. I used to give bad advice about self-care.
As a therapist, corporate consultant and trainer, and now a career and executive coach - I’ve talked a lot about self-care in my career. I’ve told people how IMPORTANT it is that they make time to care for their mental and physical health. And I’ve offered suggestions, like:
Go to the gym!
Go for a walk!
Eat healthy foods!
Meditate!
Write in a journal!
Get a massage!
But I started to notice a trend. Every time I started talking about self-care, the energy in the audience or with my clients shifted. It was like I could FEEL them thinking, “Here we go again.” They’d heard it all before. And you probably have too.
So if you know self-care is important and you try to all the things experts say you should do, why are you more stressed and exhausted than ever? Why isn’t self-care recharging your batteries?
The way we (and that includes the “experts”) talk about self-care sucks
I used to have a membership to a massage place. I thought, “This is amazing! I’ll go once a month and get my massage and get to feel good that I’m taking care of myself!”
I never went. And I paid for soooo many massages that went to waste.
The way we talk about self-care, as well-intentioned and well-researched as it may be, is fundamentally flawed. BECAUSE IT’S ONE MORE THING ON YOUR TO-DO LIST.
Now, you’ve not only added one more thing to your already too-full plate, but you get to feel like a failure when you don’t have the time or energy to do it. You get to feel like butt that you spent money on that fancy journal, treadmill, exercise program, or massage membership that you never used.
And you end up feeling WORSE than when you started.
I love a good massage. But scheduling, going, finding a parking spot in downtown Denver, filling out all the paperwork, getting my hair all oiled up and having to wash it - It all felt like a chore. It was easier to not go.
We hand out self-care suggestions like they’re prescriptions - IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY AND PRODUCTIVE, DO THIS. AND DO THAT. But it doesn’t work like that.
Self-care becomes ANOTHER thing you have to do (ugh)
Let’s get real for a second. How much is on your to-do list right now? If yours is anything like mine, the to-do’s are like gremlins. If one gets wet, 400 more pop up.
For every item I get to cross off my list, I remember 2 things I need to do. I never get to the end of it.
When your self-care item is a “to-do” (get a pedicure, go for a walk, listen to a podcast) it goes on the list. And it’s sandwiched somewhere in-between “buy more toilet paper” and “call the vet.”
So, let’s walk through this, shall we?
An expert tells you to practice self-care
You add the self-care item to your to-do list
You look at it and feel….what? More stress? (That’s not self-care)
You either don’t do it and feel guilty that you’re not taking care of yourself OR you go do it but you feel guilty for spending money on yourself and taking time to do something “frivolous” when you have 100 items floundering undone on your to-do list (Also - Not very self-care-y)
I’ll say it again - The way we talk about self-care sucks.
Self-care feels like a competitive sport
Did you work out today? Drink your green juice? Meditate for 30 minutes before doing your 50-step skincare routine? AND DON’T FORGET TO PRACTICE GRATITUDE AND THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS.
Whew. I don’t know about you, but the way we talk about and try to do self-care stresses me out.
But aren’t you SUPPOSED to do self-care? I mean, it’s good for you and it makes you more productive and all the millionaires and influencers do it.
Listen - Self-care will make you more productive. And that’s science.
I once had so much work to do in my corporate job that I was starting to cry. I felt like I was drowning and it didn’t matter how fast I tried to swim, the waves of emails and IMs sending me tasks kept sending me underwater.
I had a 30-minute with a personal trainer at my gym half a mile down the road. I almost cancelled it. How could I go? I had so much to do!
But I figured if I was drowning, I might as well go. Why not?
I came back from that workout feeling focused and full of energy. My stress wasn’t gone but it was back to a manageable, non-crying-inducing level. And I was able to get a lot done. Probably way more than if I’d stayed and tried to gut out my to-dos while stress weeping at my desk.
Here’s the thing - practicing self-care ONLY to make yourself more productive is just hustle in a cute outfit. If you’re only taking care of yourself to get more done, then is it REALLY coming from a place of caring for yourself? Or is it just a strategy to achieve more? Which if it is - Cool. But let’s call a spade a spade. And here are some other options to help you be more productive.
Now, if your relationship with yourself is a fixer-upper type situation, this may be where you need to start. You may feel the need to justify your self-care by telling yourself it makes you a better employee, leader, parent, partner, etc.
But let’s not stay here forever, mmkay? And then you can work towards doing it because you like it.
And in the meantime, try to practice self-care WITHOUT all the pressure.
You don’t even like your self-care tasks
I don’t care how “good” it is for you, if you hate doing it - IT’S NOT SELF-CARE.
I’ve written trainings and articles and all kinds of shit about the benefits of mindful meditation. I know the science. I know it works. I know people really love it.
But my idea of Hell is having to sit for more than 30 seconds and feel the sensations in my body, notice every little sound, and focus on my breathing. Ask me to take more than a handful of deep breaths and I actually start to panic.
NOT practicing mindful meditation is my version of self-care.
If you hate it - Why are you even doing it? And do you like those reasons? Cause if you’re doing it simply because you’re “supposed to” or from a place of thinking you need to “fix yourself,” then that’s not self-care.
So let’s just start by taking all the prescriptions you have given yourself for self-care and evaluate whether or not they’re bringing joy and well-being into your life. If they don’t, they need to go.
What even IS self-care if it’s not meditating, journaling, pedicures, etc?
So, what even is self-care at the end of the day?
I define it as anything that recharges your batteries and helps you build a healthy, trusting relationship with yourself. And you can do that WITHOUT adding anything to your to-do list.
Here are 20 examples of self-care (not prescriptions):
Deciding NOT to do things on your to-do list because they aren’t that important
Delegating tasks
Ordering out instead of cooking
Talking kindly to yourself about yourself
Being “too much,” even if people don’t like it
Celebrating your accomplishments
Going after your goal
Persisting
Letting people not like you (and knowing they’re confused because you’re awesome)
Resting without guilt
Feeling terrible and not judging yourself for feeling terrible (cause you’re a human and humans have feelings)
Doing something “frivolous” simply because it brings you joy
Giving up when you don’t like your reasons for doing something anymore
Figuring out what you want and going after it
Making mistakes and not being a dick to yourself about them
Saying “no” (I have a free guide on how to do that here)
Setting boundaries
Creating a to-done list and writing out everything you accomplished during the day
Letting go of others’ expectations
Questioning your so-called limitations
Self-care is great but only when you do it in a caring way
Too many people are running around, using the expert’s version of self-care as a way to hustle and grind and take a dump on themselves when they don’t execute it perfectly.
Self-care turns into a competitive sport. WAKE UP AT 5AM! WORK OUT FOR AN HOUR! MEDITATE AND JOURNAL! DRINK YOUR GREEN JUICE! BE INSANELY PRODUCTIVE ALL DAY! GET 8 HOURS OF SLEEP!
Cause here’s what happens when you do self-care that brings you JOY and helps you trust yourself:
You stop feeling so exhausted and burnt out. And life and work become a whole lot more fun.
If you’re ready to break old habits, get more done, and feel more energized while you do it, then we should talk about working together. Click the button below to set up some time with me.
Hi! I’m Erica
Wife to Brendan. Mom to twins + one. ADHDer. Slow runner. Coffee drinker. Swear words enthusiast.
I’m a licensed mental health therapist, former management consultant, and certified coach. I help busy professionals get out of their own way so they can achieve more with less stress.
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