4 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do
Please don’t ask me to move heavy things. I have wimpy baby muscles. And it won’t be pretty.
But if Life turns into a giant shitstorm, I’m your gal. I’m good in a crisis. I’m good when the poop hits the fan. I’m good when things go sideways.
And that’s because I’ve built mental strength. Just like Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn’t born with gigantor muscles, I used to take EVERYTHING personally. I was a giant ball of self-doubt and insecurity.
But I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I’ve hired my own coaches. And building mental strength comes down to this:
Do less of the things that hurt your mental strength
Do more of the things that build mental strength
What is mental strength anyway?
People who are happy and healthy and have amazing lives still run into crap. They experience stress, disappointment, loss, grief, and anxiety.
Their lives aren’t necessarily cakewalks. But they have mental strength, which means they’re able to NAVIGATE through that yucky life stuff a lot faster.
Here’s how this tends to look:
REGULAR PERSON: Crap Situation -> Negative Thought -> Feel Crappy -> Can’t Get Out Of It
MENTALLY STRONG PERSON: Crap Situation -> Negative Thought -> Feel Crappy -> Move Through It
So let’s talk about what you’re doing that’s keeping you stuck that people with mental strength DON’T do.
People with mental strength don’t try to control other people
I’m talking mind control, folks. And not in like a culty brainwashing way with electrodes and tin foil hats.
I’m talking about trying to make sure that everyone around you is:
Happy and taken care of
Never feel disappointed or let down
Not at all thinking anything negative about you
Thinking you’re the bees knees at all times
Which is not to say, you can’t be nice. I’m saying don’t be “nice” in a way where you’re trying to control other people’s feelings to avoid ever feeling rejected, abandoned, or unliked.
Cause you know what happens when you STOP doing this? You get to focus on your own damn self and learn to LIKE YOURSELF so when other people don’t, you know they’re just confused.
People with mental strength don’t dump on themselves for mistakes
Most perfectionists are not perfectionists because they have high standards. They’re perfectionists because doing things perfectly is the only time they’re not dicks to themselves.
So here’s the greatest life hack of all hacks: STOP BEING A DICK TO YOURSELF
Seriously.
Think about the way you talk to yourself about yourself - Would you talk that way to a friend? Would you be cool with another person talking to you that way? Grab a picture of yourself as a child - Would you talk to sweet little cutie patootie you that way? If the answer is “no” then you need to change the way you talk to yourself.
Cause here’s what happens when you STOP being an asshole to yourself every time something goes wrong or you make a mistake: You stop playing small because you’re terrified of not knowing it all (that’s nice and safe but it’s also really boring). And that means you can actually go after what you want.
People with mental strength don’t give up easily
Grab a cup of tea and let’s have us a nice heart-to-heart here for a second. Cause here’s what I want you to understand: YOU’RE GOING TO KIND OF SUCK. And not like you’re a giant pile of suck human who can’t do anything right. I’m talking about that new thing you haven’t done before - You’re going to suck at it. You just are.
And if you have high achiever anxiety, you really hate to suck at things.
When I left my job as a therapist in a prison and took a job in Corporate, where I had to sit in a cubicle (a cubicle for crying out loud), I was having an orientation meeting with the person who was onboarding me. She was teaching me about the billionth thing I was completely clueless about and I asked her, “How long does it take someone to feel like they know what they’re doing here?”
I knew I was a stranger in a strange land. You could have stamped “Clueless” on my forehead.
But I also knew it was like every new thing I had ever done.
First day at a new school (“Where are the bathrooms?”)
First time on the ski slopes (“Is it pizza or french fries?”)
First time going live on Facebook (“Which button do I push?)
You’re going to be clueless. You’re going to suck. And IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE THAT WAY. Too many people make self-doubt, failure, or their complete lack of skills mean that it’s not meant for them.
When you stop giving up at the first sign of suck, here’s what happens: You learn A LOT. You lap everyone who is stuck in their comfort zones. You find out how resilient and badass you are. And you actually get what you want.
You can watch my free, 11-minute training video on this (it has stick figures and bloopers in it!)
People with mental strength don’t feel bad about feeling bad
Ah, toxic positivity. Raise your hand if you have a “good vibes only” anything in your office or house.
Here’s the thing - Sometimes life sucks. And you’re going to feel sucky about it.
You have a shitty boss, a shitty spouse, or a shitty parent or sibling or neighbor or plumber. It’s going to happen.
Shitty things will happen. But when you have mental strength, you don’t get STUCK feeling bad because you don’t make yourself feel wrong about it.
Here’s a tl;dr Story Time:
Yesterday afternoon I got a message from a guest in our cabin that we rent on Airbnb. Our baby gates didn’t work. We bought ones and we hadn’t checked them (oops). And they were too small to fit the openings.
We had listed baby gates as an amenity. And since I’m all about providing what I promise, I rearranged my schedule, went to TWO different Targets to find new baby gates, grabbed the guests a bottle of wine, and drove TWO HOURS up to our cabin.
When I pulled up to the cabin the guests were outside, staring at me in a confused way. So I hopped out and awkwardly declared, “Hi! I’m Erica! I brought you new baby gates!” Only for them to respond with, “Oh! We bought some ourselves! We’re good!”
So I said, “Cool! We’ll reimburse you!”, climbed back in my jeep, and made the two hour drive back home. I didn’t even remember to give them the bottle of wine.
Here’s where I used mental strength: I didn’t make myself wrong for feeling annoyed and regretful that I had just wasted half a day and driven 4 hours round-trip for nothing. I didn’t try to “think positive thoughts” and practice gratitude that we get to have this amazing cabin and share it with others. Instead, I gave myself permission to feel irritated and called my husband to complain. And then I moved on, felt grateful for all we have, and listened to my audiobook uninterrupted for 2 hours, feeling mostly neutral about the whole debacle.
When you STOP making yourself wrong for feeling bad or think, “I shouldn’t feel this way" you actually make the shitty feelings last longer. But when you let yourself be a real ass human with real ass feelings, you get to move through them and come out on the other side.
Build mental strength to feel happier
Life is part amazing and part crap. There will always be hard times.
But when you have mental strength, you don’t get stuck in the hard stuff. You know how to navigate through it. You focus on the things that move the needle and get you closer to what you really want.
So if you want to become mentally strong, stop doing these 4 things:
Trying to control people
Beating yourself up over mistakes
Giving up easily
Feeling bad about feeling bad
Pretty soon, you’ll be the Arnold Schwarzenegger of mental strength.
If you’re ready to break old habits, get more done, and feel happier while you do it, then we should talk about working together. Click the button below to set up some time with me.
Hi! I’m Erica
Wife to Brendan. Mom to twins + one. ADHDer. Slow runner. Coffee drinker. Swear words enthusiast.
I’m a licensed mental health therapist, former management consultant, and certified coach. I help busy professionals get out of their own way so they can achieve more with less stress.
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