3 ways to say “no” without looking bad

Apr 25

Written By Erica Hanlon

Calling all my really nice, people-pleasing, go-to peeps.

You’re probably reading this because you have a hard time saying “no.”

But when you learn HOW to say “no,” it will set you freeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Why is it so hard to say “no”?

I’ve found that “no” is hardest for really nice, really high-achieving people.

This is probably you, if you:

Are the go-to person at work and in your family
You feel really good about yourself when you get to swoop in and help people
You burn with resentment when you feel like you HAVE TO swoop in and help people
You care what other people think about you - a lot

Maybe you’re like me and you were taught to prioritize other people’s feelings and needs over your own because it was soooo noble.

But there’s a fine line between nobility and martyrdom, mah friend.

What happens when you say “yes,” but you really want to say “no”

“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” - Paul Coehlo

Saying “yes” at the expense of your own needs and desire is called self-abandonment.

And you send the message to yourself what you wasn’t isn’t valuable. It doesn’t matter. And by extension- “I don’t really matter.”

You know what happens when you do this? You get REALLY UNHAPPY AND PISSED OFF.

You:

Do “nice” things through gritted teeth and hate the other person for it and hate yourself for doing it
You spend all your time doing things you don’t enjoy (and then wonder why you don’t enjoy your life)
You feel unappreciated and resentful
You feel overworked, overwhelmed, and exhausted

Sound familiar?

Don’t worry. I’ve got you covered.

How to say “no” - The delay tactic

If your first instinct is to always say “yes,” without even thinking about it, sometimes the best thing you can do is delay giving an answer.

Delay. Delay. Delay.

Here are some things you can say:

“Let me get back to you”
“When do you need an answer?”
“I’ll have a decision to you soon”
“Let me think about it”
“I’m not quite ready to commit”
“Can you check back with me?”
“I’m not sure”

This gives you a chance to think through what you really want to do and why you want to do it.

And then you can come back with a response you feel good about!

How to say “no” - The “yes-but” approach

You know what doesn’t sound like a “no”? The word “yes.”

But here’s the magic of this approach - You are saying yes ON YOUR TERMS.

In some ways this tactic gives you the best of both worlds. You get to say “yes” to the other person. But you also honor your own boundaries.

Here are some examples of the “yes-but” approach:

“I can do that, but I won’t be able to get to it until _____”
“I’d love to do that now but I’ll have to stop working on something else. What would you like me to put on hold?”
“I can do that, but I need _____ supports and resources.”

How to say “no” - The keep it simple solution

When you’re first practicing the skill of saying “no,” you’ll probably feel compelled to justify your answer.

You’ll want to explain alllllll the reasons you have to say “no.”

This comes from a place of insecurity. You’re trying not to look bad.

But you know what happens? You might end up looking bad.

People might try to solve for your “no” to get you to a “yes.” And now you’ve ended up back where you started. Yuck.

Say “no.” And don’t explain why.

Here are some things you can say:

“Thanks for thinking of me but I’m not available.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t.”
“Sounds cool but I have to pass.”
“Now is not a good time for me.”
“I’m not up for it.”
“I don’t have the bandwidth for that right now.”

You don’t need a special reason to say “no”

Here’s a good reason to say “no”: You don’t want to say “yes.”

That’s all.

Because at the end of the day, your needs and wants matter just as much as that other person’s.

You’ve got this, Erica

And if you want to see how my clients are changing careers, finding fulfillment, making 6-figures in their businesses, and enjoying their personal lives while they do it - I've got you.

Click here to explore working with me.

Are you ready to do the impossible?

Hi! I’m Erica

Wife to Brendan. Mom to twins + one. Dog mom. Slow runner. Coffee drinker. GIF enthusiast.

I’m a licensed mental health therapist and life coach and career coach. I help you accomplish in 6 months that thing you’ve been thinking about doing for years.