5 signs you’re overfunctioning (the bad habit that leads to resentment and burnout)
“Oh no. I left my baseball glove at home.” We were pulling into the parking lot of baseball practice and my 14-year-old son had just had a realization.
“No problem,” I replied. “We can go get it for you.”
AND HERE’S WHERE I DID THE VERY WELL-INTENTIONED, EMBARRASSING THING:
I walked into practice and made a bee-line straight to my son’s coach.
“Hey! Finnegan left his glove at home.” I told him. “I’m going to grab it for him and I’ll be right back.”
The coach looked at me for a moment. Then he held up a finger and walked past me to address my son.
“Hey, Kid. Your glove is your responsibility. Not your mom’s. If you forget it, YOU need to tell me. NOT HER.”
My son’s eyes were like saucers. And my jaw was on the floor.
LIKE, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
Overfunctioning. Overfunctioning happened.
But what is overfunctioning? Why is it a problem? How do you know if you’re overfunctioning? And what can you do about it.
What is overfunctioning?
In a world that’s all, “Go above and beyond!” overfunctioning sounds like it might be nice and helpful and lead to trophies for being hella awesome.
But the truth is overfunctioning can be a big ole problem, it might piss people off, and also there are no trophies.
Overfunctioning is:
Doing too many things that feel important but aren’t
Failing to delegate because we think we’ll do it best
Jumping in to help other people, even when they don’t want us to
Re-doing other people’s work when it doesn’t meet our standard
Feeling responsible for other people’s success, feelings, and well-being
Basically, if you’ve ever thought “I’ll do it myself, that way I know it’s done correctly” or “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done” you’re probably an overfunctioner.
Overfunctioners don’t just give their 100%. They also give 20% for Bob, 15% for Joey Joe Joe, and 18% for Susan over there.
What kind of people become overfunctioners?
I’ve got good news and bad news about the overfunctioning person.
The good news is that overfunctioners tend to be highly-competent, hardworking, kind, and caring. They’re natural leaders and problem-solvers. They don’t need an invitation to get shit done. They see a problem that needs a fixin and they jump in and fix it. Go us!
The bad news? We’re also likely to struggle with perfectionism and high-functioning anxiety.
And we cope by overfunctioning. Because doing things the way we want helps us feel calm and in control. Wewps.
The problem with overfunctioning
Group projects were the bane of my existence. I’d always end up doing the lion’s share of work and feeling resentful and stabby toward my group peers because they were “slacking.”
It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s and had repeated this pattern in EVERY SINGLE GROUP PROJECT that I was like, “WTF?” and realized - Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me.
My overfunctioning meant that I naturally jumped in and hijacked lead projects. Sure, the outcome would be good, but at what cost?
Cause on the overfunctioner side, you’re:
Resentful
Exhausted
Frustrated
Stressed out
And the people around you are:
Annoyed
Resentful
Conditioned to stop offering help and become slacking slackers who slack
Overfunctioning might work in the short-term but it often leads to longer term issues (hello burnout).
And you may find yourself in a cycle of overfunctioning. I made a handy, dandy picture thingy for all you visual peeps.
Overfunctioning at work
This is where my overfunctioning really shines bright like a diamond.
When I left my corporate job to become a full-time coach, my boss literally said, “We need to make sure your replacement doesn’t end up doing everything you did. We’ll have to distribute the work more.” And my coworker said, “When you leave, we’re fucked.”
My overfunctioning, high-achieving tendencies meant that sure - I always put out quality work product - but I had also fostered an unhealthy dependence on me. To the point that my supervisor asked me to take my laptop with me on vacation “just in case.”
You’re probably overfunctioning at work if you:
Take over a project when you think others are going too slowly
Do tasks yourself because you know it will be hard for the other person or you will do a better job at it
Re-do someone’s work instead of giving them feedback
Assign a task only to end up doing it yourself
Feel like you work harder than others on your team
Overfunctioning in parenting
This one’s tricky. Because overfunctioning as a parent (like me talking to my son’s baseball coach) would've been normal and healthy when he was younger.
But while I don’t think of myself as a helicoptery or snow-plow style parent, my overfunctioning tendencies can definitely show up in my parenting.
And this can be a real problem since my job as a parent is literally to help them become independent, successful adults who don’t need their mom to do things for them.
Here are some signs you might be overfunctioing in your parenting:
You communicate for your child, when they’re capable of doing it themselves
You don’t just help your child with homework, you end up doing it for them
You do your child’s chores (laundry, making their bed, cleaning their room, etc)
You shield them from consequences
You tell them what to do in tough situations, instead of brainstorming and helping them come up with their own solutions
Overfunctioning in your relationship
The healthiest relationships are partnerships. They involve an evenish (cause things will never be totally equal amirite?) amount of give-and-take.
And there’s a lot of evidence that women end up doing more than their fair share of household duties. Not to mention the mental load that comes with making sure everyone is fed, clothed, and has toilet paper.
So patriarchy aside, here are some other signs of overfunctioning in your relationship:
Interrupting your partner and finishing their sentences
Scheduling your partner’s appointments
Giving your partner constant reminders
Assuming you know what your partner is thinking
Having goals for your partner that they don’t have themself
It’s not uncommon for overfunctioners and underfunctioners to end up in relationships with one another, which makes this dynamic extra fun.
How to stop overfunctioning
So you’re an overfunctioner. Now what?
Well, first off - You need to explore the impact of your overfunctioning. Does jumping in to save the day drain you (after the initial dopamine hit) or does it energize you? How does it make you feel about the people in your life and work?
Maybe you like doing all the things for all the people!
But if you’re all, “This is BS. I’m sick of these slackers” then we’ve got changes to make.
Take responsibility - Don’t blame others. Don’t shame yourself. But take ownership for your part in any overfunctioning-underfunctioning dynamics in your work or life.
Be aware - Catalog where you overfunction. Does it happen more in certain places, with certain people, or in certain situations? When you recognize patterns, it’s easier to intervene.
Recognize your feelings - What feeling are you reacting to when you jump into overfunctioning mode? Are you anxious? Stressed? Impatient? And then find other ways to calm yourself down.
Figure out what you want - You know you can’t ultimately change others. But hey, your choices might influence them. So how do you want to show up with the underfunctioners in your life? Do you have unmet needs you could express to them?
Stay in your lane - Get really clear on your responsibilities. And let other people have their circus and their monkeys
Keep the good stuff, leave the rest
If you want to be calm and happy without sacrificing your ambition or success, you have to focus on what matters.
And that means no longer jumping in to rescue the people around you or do their work for them.
You have high standards. It’s time to live a life that’s a reflection of your high standards. (psst - Spending all your time and energy in crisis mode is not it.)
You didn’t work this hard to have a mediocre life or just “get by.” If you want to realize how powerful you are and take control of your life, I’m here to help you get clear on what you really want and use proven strategies to actually get there.
Click here to learn more about working with me and schedule a free consultation call.
You’re ready for a life and career you love.
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Hi! I’m Erica
Licensed psychotherapist. Corporate dropout. Wife to Brendan. Mom to twins + one. ADHDer. Slow runner. Coffee drinker. Swear words enthusiast.
I know exactly what it’s like to have a life that looks successful on the outside but feel chronically exhausted, frustrated, and completely lost on the inside.
I help underachieving high-achievers create lives and careers they love, without burning out.
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