How to do less and accomplish more

Oct 18

“I know how to take deep breaths!” my client says. “I just don’t do it.”

A lot of people know how to manage their stress. But for a lot of people (especially high-achievers), stress management can feel like one more thing to stress about.

They study stress management.

They know what they’re supposed to do.

They download the apps, they learn about mindful meditation and the benefits of yoga and journaling.

And then they roll their eyes because when in the world are they going to do it?

High-achievers have a unique stress footprint.

(Credit where it’s due: This idea comes from Kara Loewentheil’s theory of perfectionist fantasies.)

Perfectionists and high achievers have high standards. And this means they don’t like to do things half-way. Their brains tell them that doing a little is essentially the same as doing nothing.

So they plan on doing a lot.

And by “a lot,” I mean basically everything.

Including self-care items like meditation, exercise, and stress management.

And this nice little dream also comes with a hit of dopamine in the brain. So they feel AWESOME thinking about doing ALL THE THINGS.

Here comes the stress and overwhelm

The fantasy of doing all the things feels great. But then, here come our friends reality and time.

So our high-achiever looks at the list of tasks and the stress kicks in. They think things like:

“I have too much to do.” or “I can’t get all of this done.”

And these thoughts create that feeling of panic, stress, anxiety and overwhelm. In other terms, we’re seeing a fight-flight-freeze response.

Fight, flight, and freeze don’t always look the way you imagine. Most people don’t run screaming from their to-do lists. They don’t freeze like statues or start fighting like wild tigers. (Well, maybe you do - no judgment). Instead, stress looks like this:

Fight - Yelling at your kids, yelling at your partner, yelling at the dog, yelling at that stranger on social media
Flight - Busy work, running around frantic, avoiding the task you need to be doing, numbing out with TV or food or alcohol or social media
Freeze - Not knowing where to even start, choosing to sit and do nothing

Judgement Day

So you have big plans (check). Then you have stress and overwhelm (check). And you do little to nothing (check!)

Now it’s judgment time.

Since high-achievers have high standards, it’s almost inevitable they won’t meet them. And then they say really mean things to themselves.

“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why am I so lazy?”
“I have no self-control”

But you know how they escape from that feeling of shame and failure?

They decide to do better. And by “better,” I mean they plan to do all the things. Starting tomorrow.

Boom - Dopamine hit - Relief from shame and guilt.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Manage your stress and get unstuck once and for all

I work with people who want to get off this crazy cycle that keeps them stuck. Here’s how:

Accept that you have a human brain that tells you terrible things that aren’t even true - like “you’re not good enough.” IT’S A TRAP. Nothing’s gone wrong. You can choose not to listen to it.
Understand that you are in control of how you think about yourself and your goal - Do you think your goal is “hard”? Then working for it will feel hard. How can you think about yourself and your goal to make it easy? Why do you love your goal? Why are you the perfect person to achieve it?
Decide that everything you do is helping you get closer to your goal - Stop beating yourself up for things that don’t go well. Your goals have nothing to do with your self-worth. As one of my mentors once said, “You’re either winning or learning.”
Let go of the perfectionist fantasy of “doing it all” - Our brains love to plan big plans. They love to imagine doing #allthethings. IT’S ANOTHER TRAP. You are human. You won’t do it all. And if you don’t have the right tools (cough coaching cough call me), you will get discouraged and quit.
Build momentum with small actions - Your brain will tell you that small changes aren’t worth your time. It will tell you it’s basically nothing. Your brain is a liar that’s addicted to perfectionist fantasies and look how those have turned out for you (just saying). Start small. You’ll build momentum. You’ll learn to trust yourself. And you’ll conquer the world.